What is fear after all?
I was dedicated to becoming a professional dancer from the time I was probably eight years old. I had no doubts and followed that path to experience that profession and I loved what I did. Then I faced a major turning point. I was twenty six and had suffered a broken foot so I made the decision to end my career as a professional dancer. This decision to drop the career I had loved with all my heart brought with it deep grieving as well as fear of the unknown as my life opened out into a blank landscape. What could I do? Where would I go?
I was afraid to trust myself and take my time in finding a path forward toward a good life. Very quickly an opportunity to work for an organization that was dedicated to transformation and personal growth presented itself so I jumped in. I had no idea how hard it would be as I navigated my internal fears as I was asked to take on jobs that seemed way too big for me. But I had to push through. I learned I could handle these jobs and tasks, and I began to trust myself a little more. Soon it had been eighteen years. I loved my time there because I had teachers who nurtured me and helped me as I was pushed to become a stronger, more capable individual through growing into shoes I thought had been too big for me. I faced fears of being seen and heard, taking on tasks I had no idea how to do and finding out I could do them. I honed a variety of skills I did not know I possessed; skills that just needed the opportunity to develop once I decided to walk through fear.
One day, I was told it was time to go and there again was grief and opening in to a wide expanse of the unknown and figuring out how to navigate a way forward. I decided to visit Sedona because I knew of its natural beauty and the transformative energy there, and the beauty and intensity did not disappoint. While there, I was invited to stay with a couple who offered retreats for introspection and transformation. I stayed in a teepee they had constructed on their property. It was bound to be interesting. Having not only left the organization but also recently divorced, I was experiencing a kind of shock as I again faced the unknown that stretched before me. It was inevitable that I would grow, painful as that was during this phase, but there I was, ready to go for it.
While I was staying at this idyllic retreat, I was once again called to take some radical steps to overcome fear. But having a can do attitude, I was again ready to take the challenge to go through it. One of the requests made of me was to climb the majestic but towering and, at points, nearly perpendicular Cathedral Rock, all the way to the top. This I was to do while carrying only a knapsack with a pen and journal, an orange, a banana, and a bottle of water inside. That climb up this gorgeous yet dauntingly humongous red rock was quite a journey because at a certain point in the climb I faced stone that ascended vertically and required careful maneuvering, one hand and then one foot at a time, as I looked for tiny crevices in the rock where I could get a hold to go up. When I finally made it to the very top, I breathed a sigh of huge relief. I had gone through my fear. My reward was the knowing that I came out a stronger person. Then I became keenly aware of being alone and of the silence, the majestic view before me, and a number of eagles circling overhead. I was thrilled. What a gift! The journey was well worth going through the fear I faced as I ascended that glorious mountain.
After journaling and enjoy the fruit while watching the soaring eagles, I decided to use the path down the back side of the mountain, which was much darker. On the way down, I had to pass by a giant monolith of a black rock. The energy coming out of it terrified me. I sensed that underneath that huge black spire was the colossal power of the earth. I had to push through my fear as i had chosen to journey along that trail to join the lower trail and head toward home. I almost ran as I passed by it, pushing through the fear because I had to do so. Over the next couple of years, when I returned to Sedona to experience its beauty and call to experience the spiritual power there, I climbed Cathedral Rock twenty times or more and what had been huge fear grew into love for all her places.
I returned a year later to Sedona and this time I stayed in a cabin on the back side of my now familiar friend, Cathedral Rock. I was a couple of miles hike away from my mentors and chose to introspect in the bath of her energy, painting and drawing as I explored myself. I was still longing for clarity as to how to proceed with my life. I visited my friends regularly, and was happy to spend New Years with them. That night, after the bell dropped on the television, with smiles and winks, my two mentors gave me a flashlight and told me they would not be driving me home; I was to walk back to my cabin in the dark, with the comfort of my flashlight.
This walk would have been easy in the daylight. But yikes! Not two hundred yards in, the flashlight died. There I was, facing my fear of navigating the pitch dark. There was no clear path to the main path that wound around the base of the mountain and my heart jumped into my throat as I walked along the dirt road and gingerly stepped off and tried to find the trail. I imagined lions and tigers and bears. Of course, there were none. I navigated my way very slowly. I opened my hearing to find the sound of the creek in the distance and head toward it. I knew if I kept the sound of the creek on my right, I would be going in the right direction toward home. I knew the sheer side of Cathedral Rock would eventually rise on the left. I got lost a couple of times and had to push through the undergrowth, navigating my way and I finally hit the trail. After getting past the rock. I had to walk another mile and a half to the cabin but at least I could see the dirt road. When I finally reached the cabin, my caught breath finally descended back to my chest and let out a long exhale upon closing the cabin door behind me. I was deeply grateful this experience was over! Yet again I had overcome fear.
I was beginning to sense something else that I had not understood about fear. My mentors in Sedona had often said to me, “Follow your excitement.” I always thought was a wonderful idea but it was not clear to me what that meant. With going through feaf after fear. I came to understand that the flip side of fear is indeed excitement. It is just a slight shift in perspective. We can see fear or we can see excitement as we face and walk into the unknown.
Most recently I have been visiting Albuquerque. This morning, I watched hundreds of hot air balloons ascending in the sunrise here during the balloon festival, they blew in such a way that I could see all the color of each balloon vivid against the early light, and I remembered the call to follow my excitement. This was surely an exciting moment and one filled with joy. As I celebrated the joy and gratitude of this panorama of so many people following their excitement in floating up in the air under their colorful balloons, I wanted to slow down and savor the joy of following one’s excitement.
Follow your excitement, follow your joy. Shift from fear about what is to come to excitement to walk into what is as yet unknown. Of course, you can choose the path you take, whatever that is. Maybe it is a moment’s inspiration to call a friend and go out to lunch. Or it may be the call to follow what lights you and climb Cathedral Rock or do whatever it is that lights you up as you journey into your excitement Change your understanding as you face what seems daunting. The energy that is rising inside you is really a call to see fear as excitement worth following. Allow the unknown to beckon you forward on the road you are called to take.
